Fitness Journal Entry Two: Transformation

It’s a common saying that “we all start somewhere.” But it’s hard to grasp every individual fitness/health story. Some people begin this journey because they want to lose weight, or gain muscle. Some people set narrower goals, like running a mile in a certain amount of time. But the true reasons are hidden behind these goals.

Why do we start? Why do we lace up our sneakers and wake up earlier than our bodies want to? Why do we push ourselves, day in and day out? Sometimes it’s about how it makes us look, but more often than not, it’s about how it makes us feel. The reason lies in the high we get from achieving more than we ever thought we could.

I was always active when I was younger. Summer and fall were for track and soccer, winter was for cheerleading and hockey, and spring was for, well.. More track. I was always somewhat small, and I could run. My love for track began when I was a sophomore in high school, and I was stuck at school one day waiting for my dad to come pick me up. I walked into the main lobby and noticed a bunch of people stretching, and I just sat down and observed while I waited.

Next thing I knew I was asked to join them, and one season flew into the next. I fell in love with all of it, and even found some talent that I didn’t know I had. In many ways, track saved me from many of the things that most of my peers had fallen into. Because I cared more about being able to run my best than making it to any party.

But high school can be rough for many, and I was no exception. As I neared the end of my four years, a bad relationship sent me into somewhat of a tailspin. I was only 17, and I thought that those years were so important at the time. I kept running, but I lost most of my confidence. I started seeing my body very differently, and I wasn’t kind to it. At 5’4 and 120 lbs., I saw a girl that wasn’t good enough anymore. My relationship was extremely out of control, and I desperately grasped for something that I could control. Which eventually, became what I ate, and what I didn’t eat.Looking back now, years later, I’ve come a long way. I look back and wonder why I wasn’t grateful that I had a body that could run; a body that was beautiful. Sometimes I still fight with those thoughts, but they’re much farther behind me than they once were.

Despite everything, I never stopped running, and over the years my body went through many phases as I fought to get past those negative thoughts. I gained and lost small amounts of weight fairly frequently, and I was often frustrated with how I looked. I never felt like I was in control anymore.
Now I’m in a very different place. I’m in the process of transforming still, but I don’t look at my body and hate it the way I did. I appreciate that my body is strong, and that it can, despite various injuries, still run. But I’ve realized something along the way: sometimes our “reasons why” have nothing to do with our body. Sometimes the transformation happens in our mind.