Hello lovelies and happy Wednesday! I must say, I was pretty thrilled that we had a holiday last week because it really made the week go by faster for me. I spent the holiday with family and friends, and I returned to work feeling much more refreshed knowing how close we were to the weekend.
We hit the 2-month mark a couple of weeks ago, but it took me a while to decide what this post would really be about. My original plan was to do a check-in each month, but that was too difficult for the first month. Needless to say, there’s a lot going on, and I didn’t want to sit down after only a week and write something sad or negative any more than all of you would want to read that. But my posts about the military life have always been real and honest, so I thought I’d start at the beginning and get you all caught up!
The day Kyle left, we drove to the flight line and waited around for 3 hours for their transport to arrive. And it was torture standing there with him and our family, waiting for his commander to update us. Every time the loud speaker came on, my heart sunk. Looking around that room, I could see 100+ other families thinking the same things I was. I’ll never forget how I felt that day, when the massive bay doors opened and his commander ordered them to fall into formation. So many cameras flashed as people moved around to get a better shot of the group, but I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him through a lens, rather than my own eyes. With the emotions of the day, you tell yourself it could be the last time, and it changes how you see everything.
We watched him board the plane, and I stood there until I couldn’t see it anymore. The room that was once filled with the sound of ‘see you later’s and children crying just fell completely silent. We all just stood there like we had no idea what to do now that they were gone. Eventually, people began to shuffle into the parking lot again, and we all exchanged solemn glances as we got into our cars to leave.
I felt like I lost some sort of purpose. I got in my truck and had so many things to go home to: my new roommate, a puppy, a job, etc. But I couldn’t help but feel completely empty.
The day Kyle left is still vivid in my mind, but the days that followed are a blur. I went through the motions of my routine, but I didn’t really feel anything at first. We had already been through months of training, and the constant back and forth with no idea of an actual leave date. We both got to the point where we just wanted the deployment to start so that we could begin our countdown, but we were stuck in the hurry-up-and-wait mode. Then, as quickly as it began, he was gone.
Now that we’re 2 months in…
Feeling: It comes in waves. Some weeks I’m back to the “robot mode” of going through the motions, and other weeks I feel strong and perfectly fine, as odd as that sounds. Sometimes I get through a whole day without dwelling on the time or the distance, and other days I find his sock under our bed and I find myself crying.. It’s really hard to gauge at this point. The best advice I’ve gotten is to just let yourself feel all the things, rather than trying to fight it.
Thinking: I’m thinking of the future, and all the things we’ll do when he gets home. We have so far to go, It helps me to imagine the first vacation we’ll take when he gets back, and the first summer he’ll get to experience in our new house. I’m excited to show him all the things I’ve done for myself and for us.
Working on: My overall health and wellness has always been a top priority for me, so I’m taking the time to put myself first. I have some fitness goals for before he gets back (more on that later) and I know he has some goals of his own that he’ll work on while he’s over there.
Learning: I’ve learned a lot about myself, and a lot about the people in our lives. A lot of people don’t understand everything that goes on in military life, and I certainly don’t expect them to. Hell, I barely understand! But the people closest to me are the ones who have taken the time to listen and understand, regardless of all the weird quirks that the Army throws at us. I’m trying to learn to rely on others, and trust that I can reach out to people when I need help with something.
Missing the most: Just being in his presence, waking up next to him, walking the dog with him.. All the little things that we’ve always done. The first year of marriage is special, and ours is being spent apart. I know we have forever ahead of us, so I have to remind myself that this is temporary.
The biggest challenge so far: It’s a constant struggle, but running a home (our first home) without my husband has been a back and forth game of remembering all the little things that need to get done. I’ve been the designated bill-payer for a long time now, but now I’m juggling paying our bills with every single chore, alone. There are some weeks that I just can’t get it all done, and the floors don’t get vacuumed or I find myself using the clean dishes from the dishwasher rather than taking the time to put them away first. It is what it is, honestly. I’m working on it!
I’ll be checking in each month from here on out, so stay tuned for more updates!